feeling

Okay now you're here, again.. isn't it too soon ?
Is it real or just the same shit different day ?
How much more for a happy ending ?

I'm tired, I'm scared,... and I'm dying..

maybe I'm not buying this time...

.sic

zero and flat

Life is worse than zero

did I ever mention I started new life from zero ? nah.. I started from minus one hundred and crawling up..

At first I thought it would be easy, coz i've been in the top and it's just a matter of time then I'll be back at the top again.. but in reality, it's not that easy. I have to tolerate many things just to survive and trade off many things just to stand my ground..

and in my progress crawling up, I often slide and fall. I made a lot of mistakes. Many things happened not as what I expected, and honestly every single one of them makes me getting more and more insecure, as if I'm stranded into something I've never been.

but, wait,.. no.. I think it's worse now.. I feel like I'm falling deeper than any lowest point in my life I ever been. It gives me this fear that I'm actually climbing in a falling rock. I'm really afraid that I've been dragged down and down
Deeper downwards until I made a move to do the leap.

I've been having this lot of thoughts about this crazy leap of faith. A suicide leap that might fails me so damn hard, sending me free-falling into deeper and deeper shit and crap.

But, sooner or later I must do it to get back on track again.


So called 'Friends'

I've been trying to talk all this to some friend, but it seems like no one ever get me serious. This time I really need a friend. this time I need someone to talk all this crap and just present.

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of friends in here. But they are not the friend I needed, they're somehow simply not enough. There's always a barrier, a limit, a wall that prevent me to get what I want from these so called friends.

I'm in a social circle without caring, where I wear my faking smile all the time. Exchanging empty talks once and too many. It's like they are not friends, they are just people I know and I be with instead.. strangers that I might know even too well..

I even got one hater, that I dont know why, that hates me or doesnt like me, or for some reason just freak out on me everytime I said something.. I tried to ignore this craziness but I couldnt do it while befriends with other packs.. I cant just remove myself from these people, I need them because otherwise I got not enough social life.. I'm got weakness on this friends thing I guess,.. i need this people, but they are never enough..

these people are also one main very big big reason why I can endure all this friction slashing and cutting my flesh of sanity from fallen slowly into the bottomless blackness..

friends can give one a power to move, but I had none of those from anyone I called friends here...


So I guess, I need to do it alone now, as always I'm always alone... I'm not lonely but I always alone, against all odds, with only myself why surrounded by friends around me..

My friends, I needed you even though you all are nothing, even though you all never enough, even though you all are disappointing!!!

again, fuck my life..

.peter

four bracelets and their story

I like bracelet. I love them. They're linger in your hand, and just stay there quiet. They are not like earrings n necklace. You can see them without using any mirror-kinda stuff. And the best part, sometimes they gave you unique feelings when you notice them on your hand.

I have four bracelets, and each one of them have their own story. I always wear all of it on my left hand when I'm going out. I have one that I wear all the time. And for some specific activity like certain sports, I put only one bracelet.

Actually I got another two or three, but I rarely put them on, so probably next time I'll write about them.



1. The white silver-looking-bracelet (I dont know what metal it is)
2. The black rubber-like-bracelet

Both those bracelets I bought at the same time at the same shop in Bandung, Indonesia, years ago, along with other two bracelets that I rarely put on.

I got very serious problem with my entire family and I really hate them at that time. Like some problems, I dont remember exactly what, how, and why did this problem happened at the first place. I roughly remember it was about some dispute over something, that I cant even remember what it is. But I remember it clearly that I really hate all of them because of this matter.

So long story short, me and my family are in good terms now. Probably because time heals (and hurts) everything. Don't get me wrong, I still don't like them, but we probably decide to forget all this without saying. I know sooner or later they are going to bring this problem on again, but they should know that I wont change my mind for whatever it is they expecting me to.

So, this story attached to these two bracelet (plus the other two bracelet that I bought n rarely put on). I had some mixed felling when I give this bracelet a thought. It's ugly, bitter, fun, relax, calm and empty altogether.

The black-rubber-like bracelet is actually a necklace, and I don't wear necklace.

And one interesting fact, they often made clanking metal sounds. Fun.

3. Brown leather bracelet

Years ago my best friend gave it to me. As simple as that, this bracelet often reminds me about how friend "is". They're fun, annoying, boring, helpful, trustful, grateful, crazy and sane because they are my friends.

This bracelet just broke last night. Sad.

4. Stripes of white, maroon, and cyan bracelet

My ex made this for me. From the first time she put it on my left hand, I almost never took it off. We broke up on January 2011. It was more than a year. Previously I never been in a serious relationship and last this long.

After we broke up, I was still wearing this bracelet until it's broken few weeks ago, late June 2011 if I'm not mistaken.

It's a bit sad, coz this bracelet combined with the brown leather looks good on my left hand. I think it's because they both have tailing threads. Cool.

.peter

The question

Just Do it! .. Fuck! I know that. Stop telling me that. I need to answer this question first and even when I'm done with it, I might not do it.. Fuckin coward, I'm fucking coward.. it's fuckin difficult, too many thoughts, I should just do it.. damn!!


So, should I start something that I believe would hurt me badly when it is ended?


lack of luck, lack of luck.. I need luck, I need to create luck for myself!! Damn, I hate doing this!!!

Fact: I'm a coward

Yesterday, or the day before yesterday many of my fellow band mates performing on Jakarta Fair Cosplay & J-Music Fanatic held on Sunday, June 19th, 2011 at PRJ Jakarta.



There some videos, many many many pic (like above) taken from the show, and I spend like hours to check them all. Yeap probably ALL OF 'EM...



I dont know why, seeing all that makes me feels kinda sad.. Maybe because I can feel all the joy and fun they had, and I envy all that,.. or maybe I just being mellow and missed all my good old day performing with my previous bands..

They have invited me months before this event, but I cant make it, there re lot of things and I simply couldnt make it to go to Jakarta to attend this show..

This feeling makes me even more sad, I hate my life even more now,... I kinda regret all those decisions I made that leads my life along this path.. I felt like I should be there and doing the show along with my friends..

I feel like I don't want to be in this "fine" life where I work in Singapore, with decent job and decent everything.. I know this is a stewpidd thing, and many people can only wish they be what I am now.. but this is me, fuck others, I dont care.. I want what I want, and I wanted it now, but it's impossible to have. Fuckin sad, isnt it?

I think I really want to go back to small slice of my life where I felt the joy and the glorious in doing music, recording, performing, or jamming or just small gig..

But maybe I'm a coward, I have no courage to jump into devils playground and try my luck.. I'm too afraid of not having decent income, decent meal and "fine life"..

hmm.. no I AM A COWARD, that's why I'm here, right?.. in this uber pathetic sad life...

---

Anyway,.. I have a musical activity here in Singapore, every 2 weeks or so me and some friends from my country do a jamming session, quite fun.. that's also why I get new bass, Ibanez SDGR 505, and learn some Hard Rock songs..

I made one video of me covering one of the song, its title is The Spirit Carries On written and arranged by Dream Theater..



But knowing all that and making that vid doesnt make me feel any better..
so I'm wondering what choice do I have here?
What should I do to make me feel better?

sad..

.sic.zoc.peter

Should I buy new bass guitar?

I met some new friends and we jam few old songs today... it's DAMN FUN!!

Though I came not prepared I was quite lucky, coz I managed to play at least 60% good..

I think I'm going back to music, but somehow I dont want to.. hmm.. I give it a lot of thought and I still couldnt decide ...

dont ask me why..

so, should I buy new bass guitar??

.sic

Why TV Sucks!

Why?

lolz I dont know anymore.. but maybe not the TV, but the TV Show.. but I believe you all get what the idea when I say "TV Sucks", right?!

I forgot when was the last time I really interested in TV show. That's ironic, coz at very young age, I really really like to watch tv. Maybe because there were lots of great cartoon, anime and great movies on tv back at that time. But nowadays I think the most interesting thing in tv are advertisements. They are somehow entertaining and creative.

Indeed, most of my watching tv time was spent for watching ads, and skipping from channel to channel randomly watch some ads.

The second interesting thing is NEWS. But somehow news no longer interested. I got this strange feeling as if the news is somehow repeated or not really NEW anymore.. maybe because newspaper is free here..

Other things that sometime is interesting are those kinda nat geo documentary episodes, though I never turn on the tv to watch them on purpose.. just once in a while when I was crossing the living room and got caught by it, or when it got something exciting that makes my flat mate scream or doing things-that-people-do-when-they-got-exciting-by-tv-show..

But just that, the other things there are totally crap.. cheap candid drama, stupid reality show, and other trash that are not worth any second of my time..

So nothing really interest me there, so I gave up and hate TV. Yes, I hate tv. If I must force myself to watch TV I can watch ads,... but just watching ads on tv while hoping there's a good show come up is really really stupid in my opinion.. TV sucks man!

But if I'm going deeper with that, I think all that also happened because of the existence of Internet. I could always find almost all things on TV from Internet, and even better than how it were on TV. Some youtube channels are really good in my opinion. For news, I think internet delivers it "completely", where you can google or wikiped-ing details that interest you,.. then as another added values, internet also offers you to tell your opinion, comment, spam there,.. that either makes you a good benefactor, a wise smarty ass, or a cruel anonymous netizen..

And the greatest thing on internet is that you, yourself, can find out, control and interact with endless choices of information, show, news, and all things internet has out here, compared to small amount of channel/program that a tv cable provider offers you by paying not cheap submission...

Yes, I know that TV Show and Internet are different animals,.. But to be specific, let's take focus Youtube for comparison,.. For me, Youtube is somehow replace the TV. Maybe that because I'm a music-junkie-epic-failed-anti-social-nerd whose profile preference match most of youtube channels..

And you know what, I can host a show on youtube where thousand of people can watch my show, which again I'm not sure I could do with TV.

Indeed, I got thousand views on my channel, lolz...


Speaking of youtube, let me share here few youtube channels that I subscribe:
1. sxephil, The Phillip De Franco Show, my kinda news channel http://www.youtube.com/user/sxephil
2. filmriot, Movie making and movie related thing, http://www.youtube.com/user/filmriot
3. HuskyStarcraft, e-Sport channel (STARCRAFT!), http://www.youtube.com/user/HuskyStarcraft
4. DeStorm, great talented rapper, http://www.youtube.com/user/DeStorm
5. KurtHugoSchneider, talented mucisian n movie director, http://www.youtube.com/user/KurtHugoSchneider
6. DaveDays, youtube punk artist, http://www.youtube.com/user/davedays
7. NicePeter, very funny battle rap comedy, http://www.youtube.com/user/nicepeter
8. DavidsFitness, just to stay fit!, http://www.youtube.com/user/DavidsFitness
9. MarkCrilley, drawing tutor, http://www.youtube.com/user/markcrilley

So, where could you get something like this on TV ?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80nZ5b_DKms

or something like this ?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mcp8lPiBP2Y


So, Do you really need 43 inch flat screen LED TV?
DAMN YES!!... for PS3 or XBOX or Wii or DVD/Blu-ray

.rpz

Black Swan, Natalie Portman and Taylor Swift

Like I always said, I always try to be open minded. So I have no big deal about Britney being Britney and Lindsay being Lindsay.. I love them both when they were bright and once nice girl, but I dont know why I just dont have that much of love for them now.

I even forgot about Britney most of the times, but who remembers her now? I rarely hear her. I think she pays a big price by becoming wild and crazy. Different story with Lindsay, I heard things about her once in a times. Sadly most of them, like 90%, were about "something" Lindsay recently did, maybe cool things but in a bad way. A bit crazy and wild is okay I think, but the most important is how they hold their ground and keep producing "healthy" breakthrough rather than something crazy and stupid in a "way" people hardly seen any sense whatsoever. I wish she still can manage to came out with great work that would make her more to eccentric and less insane.


So what about Natalie Portman and Taylor Swift? Simply put, they both my new favorite now.

Well I've been in love with Portman since.. hmm, I forgot when, lolz. But I think Star Wars makes everything lovely just about Queen Amidala. That's why I love Kiera, Portman and Rose Byrne.

According to what I read, Portman is a smart girl, and very talented actress. Black Swan and Oscar confirmed it just now. So how about if Portman went wild, crazy and do what Lindsay does? Well, as long as she keep amaze me with her talent, I will always love her. Fair enough, isnt it?! And though she does, maybe I'll see all that as something cool and artistic in a way normal people not be able to reach and understand. Just like Johny Depp.

Okay, and Taylor Swift?

Well she's my new favorite. To be honest it's because she is my kinda type in a sense of beauty. Yes, I mean she is beautiful. But more than that, she definitely got talent. That's for sure. And after reading a lot about her achievement (yes I just know she exist last December), I am more than sure to promote her to my new favorite now.

I have high hope for her to always keep up the good work. And like Portman, it's okay for her to go wild and crazy.

Britney and Lindsay sure broke my heart, I hope Taylor Swift wouldn't do that. Because finding a favorite is very damn hard nowadays.


List of my favorites for now:
1. Taylor Swift
2. Natalie Portman
3. Rose Byrne


And for Black Swan, only one word: PERFECT!!
I haven't felt like this in a long time. There's rarely any movies made me feel like this. Not even Inception.

.rpz

Valentine's 11 by ~sic hard to remember why do I believed hard to recall when do we started yesterday and Wednesday I was in doubt yesteryear I was completely ignorant not because Sunday was sunless but because sunny day is cloudless as laughing Monday gets silent, and love died in a butterflies like all Tuesday morning start at nights let me alone in this moonless night I don't care what is right or wrong coz none of that matters for long so let's just leap over, live and let die coz life has offer for another vibe don't be sorry you wont be seeing me dead coz I wont be there after life ends don't be sorry you wont be seeing me pray coz I wont be there for another try I'm sorry for you I'm happy for me hence I leave it's been too long and too late so don't be sorry just remember that I tried very hard to reason with you

(c) 2011 All rights reserved.

(CC) Some rights reserved. This work is licensed

FUVM!!!!!!!

I used to be frank and forward.. I used to be rude and reckless..

But since only fuck knows when, I'm wearing more smiles and ignore things. I have done countless fakes and fucking smart-assessness for the sake of being somebody else I dont really want to be...

Oh my dear self, could you please tell me for what sake do I owe to life in this fucking state of mind?! THE FUCK why did you rewire our brain?? THE FUCK WHY did you blind our eyes, crop our ears?!?! why dont you just let us die like dead die fucking death like we both know!!

And you, you time, you asssssssshooooooooooleee, why do you have to wait like decade to make me realize how fucked up my stupidity idiotic fucking imbecile is? was? It's like more than ten years already.. or like eleven, or motherfucking twelve..

Where am I now? what the fuck are my self now? the hell how do I get back? how? why? what?

I know I'm stupid, YOU ALL KNOW I'M STUPID,.. you my friends, why do you make me feel like I'm somehow smart and wise.. WISE MY ASSSSSSSSSSS, I'm bleeding and I'm dying to feel the pain, I want to feel the pain, I NEEEED to feel this pain.. but how can I do that with all this fucking smart assess piece of shit in my head?!?!

Tell me please why I let you lie to me.. please tell me why I let you lie.. please tell me.. why? why lie? why me?

I beg you please.. just please..

.sic

F M L

I hate this day! I hate myself! I hate this life!

die please..

and yet, another break up...

I guess, in love difference does matter. Funny though, how it turns your parents, friends, priest, family, and other people into strangers and enemies.

It feels so sad, every time they made her cry..
and it is sad when it ends like this..


It's been several weeks since, and writing this story helped me to calm my self every time the pain kicks in. Writing this story was the only thing I done last few weeks, and to be honest I became less productive right now. I stopped writing my game trial program, I stopped writing the draft for my main fiction novel, I stopped learning mandarins, and I stop learning UML and design pattern (programming things).

but now it's done, and by that, I think this would be a good moment to get back on track with things. I got exam tomorrow at office, and I got life and death deal at Monday. Wish me luck.

I put the story below. Note that all right reserved and some are under creative commons, so please respect that.

I want to embed some memories, moments, names and things I want to remember every time I read this, that's why the way it's written is a bit odd. But if you know me, maybe you'll see some of them along reading this story.

Enjoy!

In Love

by ~sic

Once upon a time, on the small rock island far off the shore, live a humble young human boy. At a very young age, he was exiled by his people. No one knows the story, but how the nightmare born are a legends among the wises and witches. As the stone relic drawn the beginning: he was drowned alive in a coffin. Luckyly saved by the great grand turtle. He grew his childhood in an unfair struggle of life and death; becoming a man with overwhelming energy and rage. He's smart but careless, a vigilant hero, an abide scholar and a joker clown. Most of his time he spent in the deep sea, study and play; often in solitude, he spent hours gazing at the stars and its constellation. The turtle and the phoenix are his honored teachers. The dolphins, seahorses and the fat octopus are his best friend. The sharks and whales fear his just. The winds and the sea bless his quest and protects him from harm.

It goes steadily until one day, on a quest searching for a meaning of life, he found his on a mermaid. It's on a polar cyclone dance festival in the dark waters of sea floor, the very first time he laid his eyes on her. She was dancing and he was drunk. The way she swayed, elegantly stunned his conscious. Each smile and laugh, each words, and each lines she casted, hypnotized his mind; Even the adorable lips on her pretty face, along with both little eyes, and the way her silky hair fell on her cheek paralyzed his body and thought. All that perfectness emitted a warm peaceful breeze, that melted his heart right away.

The first encounter was another story: A stupendous introduction, impressive lines that delivered by a gentle gestures; all that according to him. But she took it as a barbaric douchebaggery joke; and of course, a so failed one, even compared to the lowers. Still, the land and the sea, the stars and the universe smiled that day. Even though they know all the beginning and the end, they smiled and cherish that moment.

The male is the only human in the entire seafolk creatures. He's both divine and an abomination, a living anomaly that adored by mermaids and sirens. Love, should be easy for him. But this female mermaid is not just an everyday mermaid. Not just pretty and graceful. She is the brightest princess, favored by the royal kingdom and its people; beautifull, majestic and lovely. The most desirable mermaid of all the vast ocean.

Then funny how love happens. It happens when it happens, and it's just simply happens. Alas, a royal mermaid and a human outcast, be a forbidden knot that offended the rest of their world, inviting envy, curse, and regret from those who refuse to understand. One that should be the greatest love story, slowly corrupted and became a meaningless chatter, stained by soundless scorns, unspoken gestures and silent hatreds.

Fortunately maybe, none of that matters to him. Being raised as an exile and banished from home and his people, made him immune to care for the contagion other people throw at him. His lover, his mermaid princess, is the one that matters the most. She is the sun he revolve, and the only gravity for his reasons.

Unfortunately though, to the very contrary, all that negativity does matter to the princess. She needs the love from her people. And while she hunger for acceptance, her people sheer away leaving her an empty cold loneliness. They gathering in a distant corner, whispering, snap a glance, then return her the look; The look that crush her intrepidity, burn her insolance, and vex her sense. Hurts her more than the pain of thousand blades tearing her magical feet each step she walks the dry land. A sum of unbearable pain that no one dare to endure, being a price she has to pay to be with him, one that she love.

As the damage continue to grow, the tale of this forbidden love spread accross the sea and poison everyone. They mourned for the betrayal of their royal crest, their proud princess. Life everyday has became a lifeless days, dull and quiet. What used to be bright clear now everywhere became muddy and dirty. Gloomy mime, somber crowds, and a sour hellos colored the days. While inside the palace of the noble, the queen helplessly prevent the fall of the kingdom where its king imprisoned in his insanity and diying in resentless. Uprising became anarchy, politics became chaos and wars were just another tick of the time bomb. The darkest time where the sea rules by preying sharks, poisonus jellyfish, noxious stingrays, and treacherous whales.

On the other coral of the sea, our loving couple sat silent under the same pale moon they used to praise. What used to be smile and happiness now turned into sadness and sorrow. Her sad face couldn't fake the smile anymore. Even ocean water can no longer hide her tears where it enforce the same hurt to her human lover, dragging him down into the same agony. In many times they both begging for blessing, never once the ocean and the universe care to hear. As one offering it only accepts, is for them to part their way, to bury the love as stranger for each other. Where that be the only term that neither she or he could accept.

As time passed by, slowly he gathers all the hatred. That is during the great long winter, days of battles with the sharks and the whales, not once they both thanked as heroes, only be blamed as shame and taboo. Where naked words, blunt lines, malignant poems thrown at them violently, furious and ferocious. All that fed him up with negativity multiplied by sadness and sorrow which he began to loathe.

Until on one fine day, where no one ever imagine; He unleash it all into a wrath. An energy flavoured by destruction and death, back to everything he used to ignore. In madness he tore the world to seek the ultimate secret of happines. To find the recepie of divine potion, that shall erase the differences between he and his mermaid. To nullify the differences that blur the eyes and the minds of the world, from seeing clearly the honesty, sincere and the true of their love.

So in desolation he continued wander to every corner of the lands and mountains, leaving total anhilation trailing on his footsteps. Where all the living things could only begged for the mercy of death, before helplessly damned to be reborn as a walking abomination, tortured in never ending agony, in the flesh of undead.

The overwhelming wisdom and lore from the immortal phoenix and the grand turtle couldnt stop him this time. Only by the presence of the mermaid princess, the ocean and all that living beneath it safe from the rage of her lover, the deathbringer. But one can never fool a sea creature, as their knowledge teaches them, that this is just another silence before the storm. They're all know, that sooner or later, they will have to face the same armageddon and its aftermath which shall befall before them. So the grand turtle plead for the benignity of seafolk to unite with others to stop the destruction on dry land. The immortal phoenix gathers all what left from the land, from high elf to lowly ghoul, forest troll to sand golem, to fight together with the army from the deep waters. Even their fellow comrades, the elder dragon, moon imp, and torrent eagles, descend from the sky to help stopping all this madness and destruction.

Then again, funny how love move the world. Under the dark moon, the mermaid princess and three others departing in disguise. Sneaking out from the valley where the warriors of earth wind and water rest inside their warm tent. They silently avoid the gaze of patroling eagles, climb the steep hill, then slowly dispelling the sleeping dragons magic wards, where brings them to where they're now, few more steps closer towards the mermaid's mad lover that raging in a long distant. The other three are the sun fairy, the fat octopus, and the siren duchess who is the mermaid's devoted lady, her best friend.

After days running through the blistering sands and barren hills, the mermaid princess finallny met her lover, the fallen hero on a rocky cape far off the main land. Fortune met them long before he could meet the marching warriors from the East, batling in a deadly battle. The mermaid princess and the others stand silent not far from him, invisible under the sparkling dust of the sun fairy. They all startled, shocked by the look of mysterious figure standing in front of them. He was standing over on a large stone, gazing at the red horizon on the North East.

His surrounds is marked with death and hollow. A carpet of rotting flesh, blood and bones scatter around him, infesting the lands and the living. Now they know why people called him a walking enigma. A monstrous overgrowth limbs, pale deceased skin, with dreadful tooth and nails, morbid claws and horns makes it hard to believe that he was a human not long before. No one would recognize him if not for his distinct overwhelming aura of awesomeness in the air. Yet, while everyone else were in suspense, she's relieved to knows that she found him. How without doubt she knows all that? only love can tell, because love itself that tell her so.

Before the faint dim of the sparkling dust slowly unhide their whereabout, this harmless mystique creature, the fairy, already on her last word with another safeguard spellcast; Just another trick so she could anytime blink them over the horizon where she had ready a teleport shell. Along with added insurance from the siren's song that petrifying all the enemy; they were ready to face the devil in the flesh. Yet, with all this magics and spells, the devil remains unaffected. Because he is, as always, too powerful for everything thrown at him. But, regardless of all that immunity and awesomeness, he just stood there silent. So the mermaid princess once again appeared in her humble presence right in front the devil she long and love.

So they move closer, and began to deliver the purpose in the way they never rehearsed. Not to confront, not to arrest, but as a last attempt to bring him back to common sense, to save him, save the world and all its inhabitant. Along with silent winds and bright sky, he just stood there listening to what the mermaids and the octopus said. No one knows why he's peaceful and harmless at that moment. Maybe because calming words from his beefy old friend, the octopus. Or maybe it because of his lover, the mermaid princess's presence. Or maybe because love, or anything left of it, made him so.

Then it is also another similar question how how he came back to sanity, as he just stood there in silence for both words and expression. As if all the madness and rage evaporate out of him just like that. His appearance return back to normal. More human than a monster, like the way he was used to. Then, how his necromantic conjuraction falls off, relieving his undead army from their everlasting torment, is also another mystery of this legend.

However, this good sign of a winning battle was not let their guard down. In suspense they're waiting of something that they were yet not really sure what. Especially for her, the mermaid princess, that had walked across continents to pursue happiness she could only dreamed all this time. A dream that she about to confirm. So she waits in curious, hoping for the best.

Only when he finally spoke of words, she found out that something changed. Something was lost along the way. The friendly, warm and loving feeling she long to feel were not there. No love in his word, gaze and smile. Just utter coldness of stranger's hello.

It churned her feelings, leave her speechless and breathless. The thought of the worst thing she feared the most, crushing her mind and hope into a scattering fragments of horrid nightmares and undefined-ness images. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, tried to calm herself from the rushing nausea. Pulling herself back together, to escape the cold feet, and to face the ugliest truth.

"So, you just hate me now?" she asked then slowly opened her eyes, looking deeply into his eyes, hoping for denial to the real answer she had just seen, wishing for redemption to false the fact she afraid to confirm.

"I just dont love you anymore." he replied plain and clear, without doubt. Sure and immediate, without pause.

To the very point, that words cruelly pierce through her heart. Like a lightning strike, it broke her heart. All that words insistently smashed her until she lost all the strength to stand, where she fell into anxiety. She felt betrayed, she wanted to scream. She's not ready for this. She still deeply in love with him. She wanted to cry, and more than anything, she wanted to hold him tight.

Her world crumble beneath her feet. In trembling she fought hard tried to accept and not to lament the damage. Though it was hard, she tried to smile, tried to suppress the sadness and the pain she suffered. But this terrible affliction of losing the one she loved most, was just too heavy for her to endure. Her tears spilled as her eyes surrender to withstand the overflow sadness. She sobbed, wept and cried. All her hope, dreams, and love she treasured become a negligible meaningless, null and void in the cold air. In desperation she wailing for his clemency, calling for his tenderness, and begging for his love to once again embrace her in comforting salve. Where everytime she bid to reach him, never once he cared to welcome. Only he stood there watching her and sorry.

So she fell to her knees, crying helplessly. Without gentle caring, without loving hug, she felt so alone. In a long pause the air filled only with her cry, before away he walked out, leaving her crying alone in the ground.

That's how it ends. It ends in bitterness and butterflies. Part as stranger to one and the other, regardless of any sentimental values they had cherish before, which then been decayed in repercussion, vanish and disappeared in thin air. The land and the sea, the stars and the universe frown that day, the day the war ends.

Maybe she won the war, but she lost more than all her world could lose. He on the other part, would also never win. Even though with all the imbalance favor of the overwhelming power among all others, destiny certainly have written its own different ending. No matter what they both done, the result shall remains the same. They will never win the happiness, they will never found it anywhere. Not even in any infinite repeats that could be granted for both them to retry. Because, the way that the beginning and the ends be, obeys only to the selfish almighty, that set an immutable, relentless and indiscriminate fate for each of everything.

....The legend of the nightmares continued to the next chapter as how it drawn on stone island relic. As it also written on the ancient orders of the deep waters sands. As it also reminded by sparkling rainbow radiance and how stars aligned. As how the wises and the witches recite.....

Not long after that, he went back to his small rock island where he sat in silent for days, contemplating what lesson he have learned. He understands why the turtle guilty from giving him a gill, and also why the phoenix refused to gave him a wing. Nevertheless, he refused to accept the immoral wisdom and he wouldn't never approve the cruel indecent treat that limits how love truly be.

That stubornness angers both his teachers. Days and nights they argue and debate. Then like every unstoppable force hits an immovable objects, they upgrade their dispute into an epic battle for another days and nights. The turtle died, the phoenix collapse and badly injured, he won the battle. In anger and sadness, he strip out both the phoenix wing, put it on his back and ascend to the sky. He's running away from all guilt and crime he did, leaving the death, suffering and missery on his rock island home.

Maybe only love can explain why and how the phoenix surrender her immortality to revive the turtle. Though love is the reason, they can't live together and die as one. Never they spoke to a soul about love. Thus, they living in sad pretentious where unspoken acknowledge of love happens; yet it must be endured as they are the ones of the wises. The story of the grand turtle and the wise phoenix is another legend that known not to many, about living both happiness and sadness in tragic drama without regrets. Though maybe the only regrets they both have is the failure to raise their humble disciple they dreamed to be greatness yet grown into horrifying nightmare, whom they shall meet in another battle when the sky falls.

So the earth and sea, stars and universe shall once again mourn on the day the nightmare ascend to the sky, where he began another quest as villain against birds, dragons, imps, fairies, and other sky creatures. Also in the same sky he will meet an angel, falling in love, and once again living another tragic love story. A tragedy that followed by another destruction and madness where the sky falls, the earth errupts and the sea boils. A destruction where he once again rise against both his teacher in a lethal battle. Which will also be the greatest battle of all legends, where the gods and deities descend from te stars, to join arms with the rest of the world, battling the dire nightmare himself and his lover, the sky angels.



"Be good but be true, or ends in eternal battle of good and truth" ~ .n

(C) 2011 All rights reserved.

(CC) Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.