zero and flat

Life is worse than zero

did I ever mention I started new life from zero ? nah.. I started from minus one hundred and crawling up..

At first I thought it would be easy, coz i've been in the top and it's just a matter of time then I'll be back at the top again.. but in reality, it's not that easy. I have to tolerate many things just to survive and trade off many things just to stand my ground..

and in my progress crawling up, I often slide and fall. I made a lot of mistakes. Many things happened not as what I expected, and honestly every single one of them makes me getting more and more insecure, as if I'm stranded into something I've never been.

but, wait,.. no.. I think it's worse now.. I feel like I'm falling deeper than any lowest point in my life I ever been. It gives me this fear that I'm actually climbing in a falling rock. I'm really afraid that I've been dragged down and down
Deeper downwards until I made a move to do the leap.

I've been having this lot of thoughts about this crazy leap of faith. A suicide leap that might fails me so damn hard, sending me free-falling into deeper and deeper shit and crap.

But, sooner or later I must do it to get back on track again.


So called 'Friends'

I've been trying to talk all this to some friend, but it seems like no one ever get me serious. This time I really need a friend. this time I need someone to talk all this crap and just present.

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of friends in here. But they are not the friend I needed, they're somehow simply not enough. There's always a barrier, a limit, a wall that prevent me to get what I want from these so called friends.

I'm in a social circle without caring, where I wear my faking smile all the time. Exchanging empty talks once and too many. It's like they are not friends, they are just people I know and I be with instead.. strangers that I might know even too well..

I even got one hater, that I dont know why, that hates me or doesnt like me, or for some reason just freak out on me everytime I said something.. I tried to ignore this craziness but I couldnt do it while befriends with other packs.. I cant just remove myself from these people, I need them because otherwise I got not enough social life.. I'm got weakness on this friends thing I guess,.. i need this people, but they are never enough..

these people are also one main very big big reason why I can endure all this friction slashing and cutting my flesh of sanity from fallen slowly into the bottomless blackness..

friends can give one a power to move, but I had none of those from anyone I called friends here...


So I guess, I need to do it alone now, as always I'm always alone... I'm not lonely but I always alone, against all odds, with only myself why surrounded by friends around me..

My friends, I needed you even though you all are nothing, even though you all never enough, even though you all are disappointing!!!

again, fuck my life..

.peter