Fireman

I think Im not that old to feels like Im already old. I try my best to enjoy life, even though the way the life is sucks. But somehow I feel life just never being kind to me.

Before I went home, I talked with my friend overseas. While we talking about work and stuff, I just realized that I have to spent so many efforts to do my job here even those trivial things. I know Im new in this company, as a pro I know how to behave and how to do my job. Hell I've been down in this industries since years ago. But knowing the fact that I am new here, I just dont get it why others could barely help me. I have so many questions that nobody in the team could answer straightly, so I had to circle around lookin for clues. Wasting so much of my precious time there.

But I'm still happy with this company Im currently in. I think it's the best I ever had. But I see like a pattern that life flows me through. A fireman pattern. I found that every time I moved into a new company, I would be the fireman there. It's just bad luck or I don't know what, but I always had a tight deadline, high pressure project and a hell of so not helping team mates. Hmm.. actually it's not that bad, but you can picture it like that. It's like jumping into a burning company and all I have to do is fight the fire alone.

But, I survived, the fire is off and nothing is burning again. Thanks to me. Everybody happy,.. but not me. Now that is the bad part. Something suddenly came to draw me apart until finally I quit. Insecure, minor harassment, or maybe I'm just being stupid. But I quit when the fire is stop burning. Nobody ever fires me, they wont do that. They know how good I am.

Maybe Im asking too much of this life. Maybe Iam always burning with pride, so I take a 'fireman' job happily. I dont know, but I think I do want a happy life. At least I wish I had no tight stressful deadline, I wish I had no 'so little time too much to do', and nice peaceful work. It's good to came home early. Taking too much overtime mess my daily routine. My life seems unbalance. Too many work things I guess. But again, if it's all not that, then what's there for me? A boredom of a life time ?? no way, thanks.

Every time I look around I see other people's life is worse than mine. But I also see others that have it better than mine. I've been thinkin what if my life is worse than this. And I also have been thinkin what it's like if it's better. I found it relative. Whether it worse or better I always have something to loose and something to win. I'm not afraid of loosing and I like win, but again, I dont see the point there, It's not what I seek.

So I dont want any better or worse than this life. Fuck, I dont know what I want anyway. I think I should be happy doing this "fireman" job. Because it's what I have. I've experienced fighting to have it better and I also let it loose to be worsen sometime. There is no point of which way I should go. I think wherever I stand, it is best for me for some reason. That's why Im livin this life like a dead man. Im going where the wind blows, doing what I am doing, others like it or not, just fuck off. And yes about that, maybe it seems like I dont care for others, but that's how I care for others. I live not to hurt other people doesnt mean I care for them. It's only what life I want to live in, so I do it my way. So does how I did my job all the time. When I see it worth, I will fight. But when it's off, Im done.

I dont know, as a fireman, maybe I like it burning. I think I would never understand why I chase the fire all the time.


.rpz

the warning

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yep, that's right,.. my dead blog are confirmed dead now,.. funny coz I can't even remember what it was. And how do I know it were dead ?? maybe I just know..
So,.. here we are again..

Who am I?
I'm male,.. people says I'm good looking, very kind person, wise and caring. They just don't know that I care for nothing. So, that just not me, sorry I'm dead.

Why am I die?
Because simply I'm not alive. It's so boring here, but I'm okay. I'm so empty, but I'm full. I'm in chaos, but I'm happy. I'm tired but I can't sleep. Then I don't know what I want, I don't know what is good to be done, what is good anyway? I seek for nothing yet I have none. No, maybe I'm alive, but sorry I'm dead.

Why am I sorry?
Because you wouldn't like me otherwise.

You?
You are good person, I can see that.

What is the warning?
You should not believe in me, unless it's written here.

-rpz-