I hate it

I must admit that I don't like what I see..
I must admit that it's a big deal to me..
I must admit that it makes me mad..
It makes me sad..

I must admit that it breaks my heart..
I'm hurt..

I must admit that I cant stop thinking about..
It hurts my feelings..
I hate it..

.rpn

feeling

Okay now you're here, again.. isn't it too soon ?
Is it real or just the same shit different day ?
How much more for a happy ending ?

I'm tired, I'm scared,... and I'm dying..

maybe I'm not buying this time...

.sic

zero and flat

Life is worse than zero

did I ever mention I started new life from zero ? nah.. I started from minus one hundred and crawling up..

At first I thought it would be easy, coz i've been in the top and it's just a matter of time then I'll be back at the top again.. but in reality, it's not that easy. I have to tolerate many things just to survive and trade off many things just to stand my ground..

and in my progress crawling up, I often slide and fall. I made a lot of mistakes. Many things happened not as what I expected, and honestly every single one of them makes me getting more and more insecure, as if I'm stranded into something I've never been.

but, wait,.. no.. I think it's worse now.. I feel like I'm falling deeper than any lowest point in my life I ever been. It gives me this fear that I'm actually climbing in a falling rock. I'm really afraid that I've been dragged down and down
Deeper downwards until I made a move to do the leap.

I've been having this lot of thoughts about this crazy leap of faith. A suicide leap that might fails me so damn hard, sending me free-falling into deeper and deeper shit and crap.

But, sooner or later I must do it to get back on track again.


So called 'Friends'

I've been trying to talk all this to some friend, but it seems like no one ever get me serious. This time I really need a friend. this time I need someone to talk all this crap and just present.

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of friends in here. But they are not the friend I needed, they're somehow simply not enough. There's always a barrier, a limit, a wall that prevent me to get what I want from these so called friends.

I'm in a social circle without caring, where I wear my faking smile all the time. Exchanging empty talks once and too many. It's like they are not friends, they are just people I know and I be with instead.. strangers that I might know even too well..

I even got one hater, that I dont know why, that hates me or doesnt like me, or for some reason just freak out on me everytime I said something.. I tried to ignore this craziness but I couldnt do it while befriends with other packs.. I cant just remove myself from these people, I need them because otherwise I got not enough social life.. I'm got weakness on this friends thing I guess,.. i need this people, but they are never enough..

these people are also one main very big big reason why I can endure all this friction slashing and cutting my flesh of sanity from fallen slowly into the bottomless blackness..

friends can give one a power to move, but I had none of those from anyone I called friends here...


So I guess, I need to do it alone now, as always I'm always alone... I'm not lonely but I always alone, against all odds, with only myself why surrounded by friends around me..

My friends, I needed you even though you all are nothing, even though you all never enough, even though you all are disappointing!!!

again, fuck my life..

.peter

four bracelets and their story

I like bracelet. I love them. They're linger in your hand, and just stay there quiet. They are not like earrings n necklace. You can see them without using any mirror-kinda stuff. And the best part, sometimes they gave you unique feelings when you notice them on your hand.

I have four bracelets, and each one of them have their own story. I always wear all of it on my left hand when I'm going out. I have one that I wear all the time. And for some specific activity like certain sports, I put only one bracelet.

Actually I got another two or three, but I rarely put them on, so probably next time I'll write about them.



1. The white silver-looking-bracelet (I dont know what metal it is)
2. The black rubber-like-bracelet

Both those bracelets I bought at the same time at the same shop in Bandung, Indonesia, years ago, along with other two bracelets that I rarely put on.

I got very serious problem with my entire family and I really hate them at that time. Like some problems, I dont remember exactly what, how, and why did this problem happened at the first place. I roughly remember it was about some dispute over something, that I cant even remember what it is. But I remember it clearly that I really hate all of them because of this matter.

So long story short, me and my family are in good terms now. Probably because time heals (and hurts) everything. Don't get me wrong, I still don't like them, but we probably decide to forget all this without saying. I know sooner or later they are going to bring this problem on again, but they should know that I wont change my mind for whatever it is they expecting me to.

So, this story attached to these two bracelet (plus the other two bracelet that I bought n rarely put on). I had some mixed felling when I give this bracelet a thought. It's ugly, bitter, fun, relax, calm and empty altogether.

The black-rubber-like bracelet is actually a necklace, and I don't wear necklace.

And one interesting fact, they often made clanking metal sounds. Fun.

3. Brown leather bracelet

Years ago my best friend gave it to me. As simple as that, this bracelet often reminds me about how friend "is". They're fun, annoying, boring, helpful, trustful, grateful, crazy and sane because they are my friends.

This bracelet just broke last night. Sad.

4. Stripes of white, maroon, and cyan bracelet

My ex made this for me. From the first time she put it on my left hand, I almost never took it off. We broke up on January 2011. It was more than a year. Previously I never been in a serious relationship and last this long.

After we broke up, I was still wearing this bracelet until it's broken few weeks ago, late June 2011 if I'm not mistaken.

It's a bit sad, coz this bracelet combined with the brown leather looks good on my left hand. I think it's because they both have tailing threads. Cool.

.peter

The question

Just Do it! .. Fuck! I know that. Stop telling me that. I need to answer this question first and even when I'm done with it, I might not do it.. Fuckin coward, I'm fucking coward.. it's fuckin difficult, too many thoughts, I should just do it.. damn!!


So, should I start something that I believe would hurt me badly when it is ended?


lack of luck, lack of luck.. I need luck, I need to create luck for myself!! Damn, I hate doing this!!!

Fact: I'm a coward

Yesterday, or the day before yesterday many of my fellow band mates performing on Jakarta Fair Cosplay & J-Music Fanatic held on Sunday, June 19th, 2011 at PRJ Jakarta.



There some videos, many many many pic (like above) taken from the show, and I spend like hours to check them all. Yeap probably ALL OF 'EM...



I dont know why, seeing all that makes me feels kinda sad.. Maybe because I can feel all the joy and fun they had, and I envy all that,.. or maybe I just being mellow and missed all my good old day performing with my previous bands..

They have invited me months before this event, but I cant make it, there re lot of things and I simply couldnt make it to go to Jakarta to attend this show..

This feeling makes me even more sad, I hate my life even more now,... I kinda regret all those decisions I made that leads my life along this path.. I felt like I should be there and doing the show along with my friends..

I feel like I don't want to be in this "fine" life where I work in Singapore, with decent job and decent everything.. I know this is a stewpidd thing, and many people can only wish they be what I am now.. but this is me, fuck others, I dont care.. I want what I want, and I wanted it now, but it's impossible to have. Fuckin sad, isnt it?

I think I really want to go back to small slice of my life where I felt the joy and the glorious in doing music, recording, performing, or jamming or just small gig..

But maybe I'm a coward, I have no courage to jump into devils playground and try my luck.. I'm too afraid of not having decent income, decent meal and "fine life"..

hmm.. no I AM A COWARD, that's why I'm here, right?.. in this uber pathetic sad life...

---

Anyway,.. I have a musical activity here in Singapore, every 2 weeks or so me and some friends from my country do a jamming session, quite fun.. that's also why I get new bass, Ibanez SDGR 505, and learn some Hard Rock songs..

I made one video of me covering one of the song, its title is The Spirit Carries On written and arranged by Dream Theater..



But knowing all that and making that vid doesnt make me feel any better..
so I'm wondering what choice do I have here?
What should I do to make me feel better?

sad..

.sic.zoc.peter

Should I buy new bass guitar?

I met some new friends and we jam few old songs today... it's DAMN FUN!!

Though I came not prepared I was quite lucky, coz I managed to play at least 60% good..

I think I'm going back to music, but somehow I dont want to.. hmm.. I give it a lot of thought and I still couldnt decide ...

dont ask me why..

so, should I buy new bass guitar??

.sic